For a better me

"I deserve a better life"

"I deserve a better life"

"I deserve a better life"

That's a mantra I keep telling myself when I feel pain in my chest.

Of course, once in a while, I got worried. I don't know why exactly. Maybe because I hold a grudge on someone or I just can't forgive myself for a big mistake I made in the past.

These days, I've tried everything I could to make my life full again. I tried my best to be "me" like before I met him. I tried my old hobbies, like reading, blogging, and watching series on netflix.

There is a series called Atypical. I tried a bunch of series, actually. But this is the only one who can hit my emotional button. Every single episode turns me on emotionally. I can laugh, cry, and even both. 

This is not a series review though. But i just wanna share what I feel and see about something. So, there is one episode where I can exactly connect to the character.

There is a girl named Paige. God, she is crazy just like me lol. She has a crush on a nerdy autistic guy at her school, but he doesn't like her as much as she loves him. I can relate on DNA level lol.

He broke her heart by loving another girl. He even said mean words that hurt her so badly. He didn't even realize he caused pain to her due to his lack of empathy.

They have ups and downs in their relationships. Start from bf and gf, casual, platonic, and pure bestie. One day, he got bullied by his classmates. She is mad like crazy when she knows.

Despite the fact that she got hurt by him a lot, she kept protecting him. She loved him unconditionally, just wanting him to be happy. That's why she got upset when society treated him badly

That scene just opened my eyes. These days I'm exhausted playing the victim card, blaming him for hurting me like this. I feel hurt when he leaves because I do still love him.  

Then, I ask myself again. Is it really love? Do I really love him as a person? As a human being? If I really love him, of course I want all the good things to happen to him. 

What if this separation is the best for both of us? He has someone who can be there for him and I also can have someone who is more compatible with me? Like, do we both deserve better? 

Maybe I should stop using "who's the villain" card here. It's tiring and mentally draining. 

Maybe this is the time. The time when I can sincerely and genuinely let him go. I can feel the warmth of letting him go now. I hope this feeling is not temporary. Someday if I get anxious, I will read this again to remind me.

I'm glad that he's in good hands. This is for a better you, a better me, and a better us.